My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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