Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
