If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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