At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
