Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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