i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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