I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
