The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
