I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
sarcasm needs its own font
He passed out mid-signature
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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