I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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