I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i think my cat just said my name.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
