My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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