Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
