I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
