shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
