Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
