I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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