Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
