im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
