what day is it and did you see me today?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
