filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
