Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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