I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
