Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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