You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So many bounce houses so little time
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize