I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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