On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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