what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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