I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
