Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
