1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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