i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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