Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
