I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
