Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
