i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
