ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
