A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
