I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
