i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The Olympian is in my bed
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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