K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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