my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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