Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
