he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
