I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
