So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
