Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
