Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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