my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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