3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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