I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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