My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
