Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
