I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
