I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
