he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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