don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sacagawea was the original milf.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
