Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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