i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
