That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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