so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
